I have to say, I’ve never been “that” girl, the “it” girl. You know, the popular one. The one with great fashion sense and a ton of friends. I tended to be more of a loner in my younger years, and honestly, I still am. The difference now versus when I was a kid (and I use that term loosely), is I cared so much about what others thought of me. However, as I came into my own, I grew to care less.
I have to say, it wasn’t easy. Because I wasn’t the Hot Girl in school, I craved so much to be validated by other’s opinions of me when I was in my early 20s. I recall getting upset when I was referred to as “cute” and “smart” by a guy I had been dating for two years (a bodybuilder🏋️♀️ no less, with a handsome face; talk about a glow-up from high school!). I was definitely on one, looking for something to complain about. Ridiculous, but I’ve digressed.
We were on a multi-hour road trip when he made the comment, and my attitude went sour from there for at least three of the six-hour drive. Why? Because I didn’t want to be called “cute!” Why couldn’t I have been “fine,” “beautiful,” or “bangin’?” Although, I don’t think that word was out yet, but you get the picture. “Cute” is a word for baby animals and children who are starting to grow into their looks, not a grown a#% woman. Also, let’s not forget about the “smart” adjective either.
Yes, I am smart, but it felt like it was said as a counterbalance, like “let me drizzle the word smart on this compliment like it’s gravy on mashed potatoes. That should sound good…”
Yeah, I know. I was unnecessarily in my feelings. As I look back on it now, I definitely was irrational. Although, I don’t recommend any man call his woman “cute”. Perhaps her outfit, but not her. Stick to classic words like beautiful. Trust me.😉
After I calmed myself down, here’s what I recall thinking. That attractiveness and brains are not always synonymous, but in my case, it was, and my boyfriend thought so too. I also recall thinking it was nice to have someone I was dating actually see me for more than a subjective perception of what society valuesd. Instead, I was an actual person with brains.
I think it’s essential people find a partner who sees them as a whole person, not just a “cute face” or “nice body.” Honestly, what happens when that gives way? Because, it will, and it can be found just in reach of a younger version of you.
You want someone in your life you can have a conversation with. A mate you can take to a business dinner and feel confident in stepping away if needed because you know they can speak on topics ranging from Eddlebrock engines in rebuilt Corvettes to the latest developments happening in business or medicine due to a global pandemic.
Over the years, I have certainly moved away from being “EXTRA,” but I still have my quirks. There’s no point in trying to pretend either. For example, I’m a germaphobe. I don’t like germs. And, yes, as a registered nurse, I recognize the irony in that statement, but that’s beside the point.😂
Too much auditory stimulation, or people talking too much, is enough to have me crawling out of my skin. I’m a talker myself, but I have to say, I think it’s strange when a person can’t be in silence. The need to constantly talk is bizarre. I question, “what about silence are they afraid of??” Perhaps, they’re worried others will think they’re weird if the conversation idles… Who knows?
I do believe we’re conditioned to care what other people think about us. Unfortunately, this can stunt your social development and creativity, and have negative implications on your relationships. When you seek validation from others, you never truly learn the value of who you are. As such, your worth can be diminished or elevated based upon how any known or random individual perceives you in that moment. That’s emotionally and psychologically dangerous.
Personally speaking, the need to be liked really affected my personal self-worth and how I saw myself in my younger years. It is sad, but I also know I’m not alone. There are plenty of people who grew up being teased, bullied, grew up thinking they were fat, unattractive, not smart as others in their class, etc., and they bought into it. I did.
Had it not been for me going to the military, I shudder thinking who I would be today, at this moment. Probably, some person afraid to stand up for myself. Backed into doing stuff I don’t want to do for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or them not liking me—pretty much a pushover.
I will say, I didn’t arrive at this place by kismet. It was hard work that took years, honestly. At least two after the military to de-program that way of thinking, and not only recognize I bring value in a multitude of ways, but believe it as well. The lesson? When you know your worth, you get to determine the price for access to your personal space and set boundaries for yourself. Now that is HOT!
My boundaries? Every person I meet is not a “friend,” I can count my “friends on my hands. We’re acquaintances. I don’t allow just anyone into my home, including family. I also know sometimes family are those with whom blood ties are not exchanged, but you wish they were.
I also quickly dismiss future interactions with anyone who feels the need to question me about topics that are none of their concern. These folks lack emotional intelligence and are not my cup of tea. But, let’s face it. These folks are also likely never to have heard the phrase emotionally intelligent or know the meaning.
Once you stop seeking to be the “Hot Girl or Guy” for validation, and move into a place of “I’m worthy,” it’s easy to separate yourself from the Bull 💩 other folks are constantly carrying around. To that end, I recommend you learn your value and add 20% tax to it!
Instagram: @MidlifeKris35
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